being sub in delicate situations

Your Kink Advisor- Mistress Violet

The Letter

Mistress, i was wondering what is acceptable action by a submissive in those areas that someone is not usually supposed to act submissive? Especially in a situation like when a lady is definitely your Domme but she also has a “Dom”. In fact, he is her husband.   i get along with him great & he is great with me submitting to her.  Rubbing lotion on her & such.  But i do like those “romantic” aspects too.  Like holding hands. But also figuring out those other things.  Like having that person attend the company party with you.  Etc.

My Response

Every relationship is different.  When you have a third party involved in your relationship, things get more complicated.  That means that situations call for more detailed communication.  You did not say that she is a mean Mistress, so she is likely reasonable and willing to answer your concerns.

It’s great that you and your Domme’s husband get along well.  That is a really good starting point.  It should be acceptable for you to ask him how he feels about you demonstrating physical affection toward his wife in semi-public settings.  If he is okay with it and your Domme is okay with it, then you can do it.  If either, or both of them, objects then it would be best not to do it.

A Delicate Balance

The hardest thing about making a situation like yours work is making sure that everyone understands the rules, meaning the limits and boundaries.  They need to be stated and discussed right from the start.  When a boundary is infringed upon during the course of the relationship, it needs to be discussed again.

It is just like any other relationship, except there is a husband involved in this as well.  I suggest having well defined boundaries for certain situations.

Defining Boundaries

It would be very helpful for the three of you to come up with boundaries for:

  • Private setting play
  • Semi-Public setting play
  • Public Settings

Each setting has its own set of potential issues.  Better to discuss these ahead of time, and even write them down.  Then when you are faced with a situation like you currently have, you have something to refer to.

Respect is the Key

As long as you have respect for her, and for their relationship, she has respect for you and her relationship and her husband has respect for you and his marriage, then I believe you can work these situations out to everyone’s satisfaction.

It should not infringe on your enjoyment.  And yet, your enjoyment should never affect their marriage negatively.  I know you are well aware of that, and can keep that in mind.

Any others with similar situations?  Remember, you are welcome to email me with your question at  I will respond here as soon as possible.