Which came first?  No, not the one you are thinking of.  I mean sex (kink) or love.  Okay, not love.  That is the wrong word.  But I mean the emotional versus the physical.  Do we develop feelings for those we think are hot, or do we think people . . . → Read More: The Secret to Attraction]]>

Miss Violet 800-601-6975

The Letter

Which came first?  No, not the one you are thinking of.  I mean sex (kink) or love.  Okay, not love.  That is the wrong word.  But I mean the emotional versus the physical.  Do we develop feelings for those we think are hot, or do we think people are hot once we develop feelings for them?  Then, of course, is the answer different for men than women?  Is there a difference between LDW ladies and “average” ladies?  Are the LDW ladies a third answer, or are they closer to one of the other groups?

toy

My Answer

Wow!  That is a whole lot of questions at once.  I will concentrate on the one that I feel is the core of your letter.  “Do we develop feelings for those we think are hot, or do we think people are hot once we develop feelings for them?”  I have to say both.  Men, being the visual creatures you are (that is what brought you here, after all, isn’t it my kinky phone sex fans?), tend to fall for someone you are attracted to physically.  But then, so do many women.  I believe there is always an element of attraction there.  What attracts each person, however,  can be quite different.

What We See

If we did not see something about a person that attracted us, why would we want to get closer to them?  It would not make sense.  So on some level, there is usually a physical trait that draws the eye and catches our attention initially.  That trait can be as obvious as breasts, ass, legs, or cock bulge (some of the parts men love to provide body worship on)…or more along the lines of sparkling, lively eyes; an energetic walk; or dramatic gestures.  For women, and some men, the first thing to attract can be something like the sound of their voice, their laugh, personality, or their general manner.  We can’t help noticing these kinds of things and having them make an impression on us.

Flip That

Many of my counseling clients have had experiences of meeting someone and liking them, but not developing feelings of attraction until they got to know them well.  This type of attraction requires a certain open mindedness, and level of maturity.  Because it means thinking outside the box of your usual “type”, or the qualities you are seeking in a mate.  When a person finds another person attractive after getting to know them well, their impression of the attractiveness of that person changes in their eyes as well.

Beauty is in the Eye

Apparently it is also in the heart.  Because when a person realizes they are in love with another person, they see them as more attractive…sometimes dramatically so…than they saw them initially.   This is vastly different from the phenomenon known as “beer goggles” in which the person only sees the other person as attractive while they are inebriated.  This personal vision of attractiveness lasts as long as the feelings of love do.  So answering this question is a little too much like trying to answer which came first:  the chicken, or the egg?  Attractive looks draw loving feelings, and loving feelings can bring about attraction.  Round and round it goes.  The beautiful mystery that is the mating game.

Let’s Personalize This

So toy…one more question I need to answer for you.  There are MANY differences between LDW Mistresses and “average ladies”?  Knowing us as you do, I believe you already know how superior we are.  *wink*  I would enjoy hearing your opinions on this topic, so please your Mistress and start typing..  Which came first men?  How did it work for you with your current relationship?  I find this fascinating and know many of my subscribers will too!

Are there any tell-tale signs that indicate that a women you meet in the vanilla world might have sexually dominant tendencies?

For example, I have a wonderful yoga teacher who has many vanilla traits I find attractive.  She also likes to push me to do things that are . . . → Read More: Finding a Dominant Partner]]>

Ms Violet 800-601-6975

The Question

Are there any tell-tale signs that indicate that a women you meet in the vanilla world might have sexually dominant tendencies?

For example, I have a wonderful yoga teacher who has many vanilla traits I find attractive.  She also likes to push me to do things that are on the edge of what I am capable of.  It causes her great joy when I succeed.

Somehow, that just seems to suggest that maybe she could enjoy a sexually dominant role in a relationship.  I know that may be a little of a stretch.  But are there any giveaway signs of a woman who has a dominant side?

Seeking-a-mistress-in-Texas

My Answer

First I want to address the difference between a person having a dominant side, and being a Dominant.  These are two very different things.

Many people have dominant traits and are dominant in their dealings with people.  That does not make them a Dominant.

Being a Dominant is part of a person’s sexuality and nature. This is why I advise you to forget about finding a woman you like and then discovering if she is open to being your Mistress.

Where to Look

I have said it before, to many callers, and I will say it here as well.  You need to go where the Dominant women are.  Whether you seek a sensual Mistress, or a strict one; you will find them in two places for sure:

1.  Local lifestyle chapters.  If you do not know what I mean by that, email me and I will give you details.  Look for these groups online.  Contact them and find out when their next “Munch” is.  This is a casual social gathering where Dominants and submissives meet at a restaurant, have a meal, and get to know one another.  If you like that, consider attending an event at the club.

2.  Online lifestyle sites such as alt.com; Fetlife.com; and others.  These sites cater to Dominants and submissives.  Fetlife.com caters specially to Dominant women and submissive men; so that is a great place to start.  But I have had excellent experiences with meeting lifestyle partners on alt.com.

It’s a Process

Give this some time.  When you know you need a partner who is into female domination, it will take longer to find the right person.  Think about it…you will need to find someone with the usual qualities you seek AND kinks that work with yours.  Look everywhere you can, meet a lot of women, session with them when it’s right, and take your time.

The right Mistress will be worth the wait.

Your Experiences

Have you found a lifestyle partner?  How did you go about your search?  What advice would you give to someone just beginning their search?

Feel free to leave comments here.  They can be invaluable to my readers.

Have a question for me?  Email your femdom Mistress at violet@enchantrixempire.com.  Put “YourKinkAdvisor Question” in the subject line.  I will answer your question here in my blog.

My first lifestyle club munch is finally scheduled.  I have no idea what to expect.  What do I do?  How do I act?  Do I just sit submissively in the corner?   Do I venture out and talk to people?  I want to find some one to share my . . . → Read More: Attending Your First Munch]]>

A Casual Event

The Letter

My first lifestyle club munch is finally scheduled.  I have no idea what to expect.  What do I do?  How do I act?  Do I just sit submissively in the corner?   Do I venture out and talk to people?  I want to find some one to share my fantasies. I  am an older man who has wanted to be submissive to a woman for a long time.   Won’t most people my age have already made contacts into the community?

Signed…Eager to be a pet

My Response

A munch is a casual gathering of kinky minded people.  Usually they meet at a public place, such as a local restaurant.  Dress code is most often casual.  No one will be wearing clearly dominant or submissive clothing.  They like to keep things vanilla in public settings.  This makes it a very easy event for newbies to attend.

You will sit around a table, talking, having something to eat and drink.  A munch is about getting a feel for the members of a lifestyle club, and they for you.

What You Do

Be yourself.   Shake hands, introduce yourself, ask questions, talk with people.  While there is no need to be particularly submissive, it is a good idea if you do not dominate the conversation, talk too loudly, or ask questions that could be construed as too personal.  If people ask, let them know that you are submissive.  Most will already know that about you.  Yes, there is such a thing as a sub-dar.  *smile*   There will be other submissives there for you to talk with and this becomes important if you decide to attend the club.

The Partner Pool

I applaud your desire to find a lifestyle dominant to share your fetishes with.  That is the ideal situation.  Kinky clubs are a great place to meet potential partners, and play partners as well.  What I mean by that is dominant women who do not have a partner, but wish to scene with you either at the club or in private.   To “scene” is to actually explore your mutual fetishes together.  It could be foot worship, male chastity, flogging, body worship, spanking, or other fun activities.

Your age is irrelevant.  There will be people in a wide range of ages at most kinky clubs.  While many will be coupled up, some dominant women will be seeking additional partners, and others will be between partners and looking for someone just as you are.

What Then?

If you have a good time at the munch, and you like the people there, you may want to arrange a visit at the club itself.  A good first club visit can be an educational night.  There are usually regular classes on topics such as fire play, rope bondage, and puppy play.  Most people wear street clothing.  You will be visiting with people you met at the munch, sitting and watching a demonstration, asking questions, then chatting with people afterward.  Another easy event to attend, even as a submissive attending alone.

If any of you have other questions about a munch, leave me a comment.  If you have a fetish question of your own, email it to me:  violet@enchantrixempire.com.  Please your Mistress and put “Your Kink Advisor” in the Subject Line.

Your Kink Advisor- Mistress Violet

Yours,

Desperately Seeking Panties

Since this blog . . . → Read More: Recommending Panties for Men]]> The Letter

Is there a particular style of panties that you recommend for sissies?  I have noticed, for example, that while a thong might be very sexy on a woman, it does not work that well for me whether I am tucking or not.

Yours,

Desperately Seeking Panties

My Answer

Since this blog is aimed at panty boys specifically, your Enchantrix Mistress will address this to panty boys as a group.   But my answer applies to sissies as well.

When it comes to panties for men, we must take a few factors into account.  Coverage, Comfort, and Preference.

Providing Coverage

Men have body parts that women’s panties were simply not made to accommodate.  If you are set on wearing women’s panties, you will likely find that a style with good coverage in the front, such as the ones in the picture to the left, work best to contain the cock and balls.  Sissies tend to like this style because you can get them in lycra and they provide a fairly flat front.

Another aspect of coverage is the crotch of the panty.  Make sure it is wide enough to contain your balls.  If they drop out the sides of the crotch repeatedly through your day, you will likely find this annoying.   It could also prove obvious through certain dress pants.

Giving Comfort

Next, you want to make sure the panties are comfortable.  Thongs do not work well for men.  The crotch is very narrow.  The front is tiny and leads to a lot of slippage.  Not only is this bothersome, but it can be downright painful.  Many men prefer a full back as well.  It stays in place and does not lead to possibly embarrassing adjustments and eliminates the possibility of the waist moving down to press uncomfortably into the tender cheeks of the ass.

Your Preference

The rest of the decision really comes down to your personal preferences.  Brief, bikini, French bikini, low cut bikini.  Will the fabric be satin, silk, lace, velvet?  Whether you like the look of solid color, prints, decorations such as lace, bows, or embroidery.  What feels best to you as your hand moves over the fabric of your panties during guided masturbation phone sex.

Your inclination may be to wear a thong despite the lack of coverage, or a low cut despite the comfort issues.  Perhaps you are into erotic humiliation and enjoy both seeing yourself looking silly in a pair of way too tiny bikinis in a hideous shade of pepto bismol pink.  Or simply feeling the sensation of much too tight panties.

Made for Men

There are companies making panties specifically for men.  In all styles, fabrics, and colors.  Some even have flys!  You can find these web sites by doing a search for “panties for men”.  There are even men’s boxer and briefs made in sexy womanly fabrics!

Opening Up

Tell me what your favorite style is.  Why do you enjoy it so much?  I’m sure your feedback will really help our fledgling panty boys on what to buy!

Do you have any thoughts on how to “tuck” properly?  Is there a good method for achieving a nice “feminine” look down there?

Sincerely,

Poking Out in the Midwest

If you are a sissy, or a cross dresser, perhaps even a panty boy…you . . . → Read More: Tucking With Style]]>  

Looking Smooth!

The Letter

Do you have any thoughts on how to “tuck” properly?  Is there a good method for achieving a nice “feminine” look down there?

Sincerely,

Poking Out in the Midwest

What Tucking Means

If you are a sissy, or a cross dresser, perhaps even a panty boy…you already know.  But if not, let me explain this term to you.   Tucking means tucking the testicles back up into the cavity from which they descended during puberty, and tucking the penis back under the crotch.  Topping that off with a garment to hold everything in the tucked position.  The goal being to create a flat front in the genital area, like you see in my pic to the left.  Now clearly your Enchantrix has nothing to tuck, but this is the effect tuckers are seeking.

Easiest Methods

First I would recommend wearing tight panties with a light pad in them.  This presses everything down and back, leaving a flat front.  I have found this works well for small to average sized penises.

Next, the tried and true gaff.  This garment is designed to hold and tuck your man bits.  But the consensus of many cross dressers is that they are a waste of money.  I do feel that a pair of Lycra control top panties work just as well.  A Lycra enhanced thong can be even better

Garments to Consider

If you feel some type of gaff garment is necessary, I suggest you get a “Men’s Dance Belt” from Capezio.  This is the garment designed for male ballet dancers to give them a smooth, flat finish in the crotch area.  It costs less than the average gaff and is reported to be a lot more comfortable by my personal sissies and many cross dressers.

Another option is to purchase a specific koalaswim.com   “Secret Wish” model.  Or you can go with the classic “Veronica” garment from Classic Curves.  It is a favorite with sissies and cross dressers because it tucks and gives you female curves in all the right places.

Advice For Larger Packages

If you have larger man bits to tuck, you might need to try this fool proof method.  Start with a pair of tight panties with good coverage.  Over that wear a pair of control top pantyhose one size larger than usual.  And to top it off, a well fitting girdle.  This will return all your bits to a nearly folded place.  Smooth and flat.

Step by Step Tucking

If you have never done this before, I want to walk you through it step-by-step.  After you do this the first time, you will find it very easy to replicate in the future.   Let me say now that this is not for everyone.  If you begin to feel pain,  I urge you to STOP immediately and revisit an earlier tucking method.

Follow these easy steps and you can achieve the smooth, flat crotch area you desire:

• Lie on your back on a flat surface with your knees up.  Have your gaff or substitute garment around your lower thighs
• Remaining relaxed, feel at the base of the scrotum for the cavity the testicles originally dropped from
• Gently pull the excess skin of the sac tighter which will slowly force the testicles upward.  This will sometimes pop them back up into that cavity on their own, or you may need to give them a gentle push.  WARNING...if you feel any pain, or they simply will not go back up, then do NOT force them
• Push the penis back toward your buttocks.  This will provide an extra layer helping to hold the testicles in place
• Holding everything in place with one hand, pull the gaff or other garment up into place.  This leaves everything securely tucked up in place
• Now…carefully get up and look in the mirror at the new you.  At first you may feel a little discomfort, but this should fade.  You should not be in pain
• When you have finished dressing, you can remove your gaff or other garment.  Everything will fall into place within a moment or so

Taking it One Step Further

For those of you who feel the need to use the extreme version of tucking, following the directions above until you reach the point of pushing the testicles back up.  At that point do the following:

• Shave your genital area.  Otherwise you will not get good adhesion and when you remove the tape it will be very painful
• Make sure your scrotum area is completely dry before using tape
• Cut two six (6) inch lengths of medical tape (1″ width).  Attach the ends of them to the edge of a table
• Wrap the empty testicle sac (extra skin) to either side of the penis base.  Use one strip of tape per side to wrap it snuggly.  NOT tightly.  You want to allow blood flow to continue
• Push the penis backwards, then keep everything in place with your gaff or substitute garment
• You can also tape the penis down, keeping it in place with the medical adhesive tape.  Use as much as you need.
• To remove the tape later, soak in a bath or take a hot shower.  This will soften the tape adhesive.  Pull the skin taut and then pull the tape off firmly in one smooth pull

Other Methods You Know of

It is great to have input from other cross dressers on a topic like this.  Do any of you have methods of tucking that work well for you?  Tell us about them.  Have you tried any of the methods I outlined in this posting?  Tell us how they worked for you.

HG

This letter had me chuckling a little bit.   Your safest bet is to take yoga classes and work toward sucking your own cock.  . . . → Read More: Finding a Safe Dick to Suck]]>

Safety First

Question

How about…. finding dick!  How can you find dick that is safe to suck (clean)?  ‘Specially if you are into the perfect stranger fantasy.

HG

My Answer

This letter had me chuckling a little bit.   Your safest bet is to take yoga classes and work toward sucking your own cock.  Truly…check out my previous posting on that very topic.

Next on the list after that option is going with someone you know and trust.  This is a great idea because you may feel more comfortable asking them to get tested for STD’s and show you the results.  If you do not do this, you can gambling with your health and possibly your life.  And not just one testing, but occasionally.

Some Other Options

If you are one of those guys who has your heart set on stranger cock, I am going to simply say that there is no safe way to go about that.  Sure, you can go with the mega-popular option of checking out Craigslist M4M ads for cock sucking men, or posting one of your own.  That type of scenario is geared toward nameless, one time quickie blow jobs on your lunch hour, after work, on the weekend when you are supposedly running out for donuts.

I care about my callers too much to recommend that.  If they press this plan, I try to help them go about it in the most safe way possible.  But I believe this type of sucking is best left in fantasy.  Or consider ordering a custom Mistress audio on the topic to make it more real for you when the mood strikes.

Think About This

You may believe that you do not know any guys who want to have their cock sucked by a guy.  But…you are here reading this posting.  This topic appeals to you and your friends may be surprised to find that out about you.  My point is that it is very difficult to tell about a person’s sexual desires through day-to-day interaction with them.

If you know a guy who has a cock you would like to suck, find a way to test the waters without compromising your relationship with them.  If you get a feeling that they may be open to it, just ask them.   If you ever go out drinking with the guys, that is when inhibitions are lessened.  The subject may be easier to bring up then.

Specifics

Most people who ask me this question do have a guy in mind.  When you and I can talk about this guy in a session, it is much easier for me to give you specific suggestions about making it happen for you.  Every person is different.  If you had a lot of confidence around this topic, you would be out sucking cock…not here reading this.  So if you would like some customized advice to assist you with finding a cock to suck…give me a call.  Let’s see what we can get going.

Check out the groups on this topic on the Enchantrix Empire, our social site.

Have you already found a guy?  Sucked a cock?  How was it?  Are you glad you did it?  Do you wish you had left it in the realm of fantasy?  Feel free to leave a comment.  I would love to know.

Ms Violet Tells It Like It Is

The Question I have often heard about “topping from the bottom”.  Even been accused of it.  But we are told to be good communicators.  I think this creates a blurry, gray area.  Also, one of the things I have been told is a positive . . . → Read More: Topping From the Bottom]]>

Ms Violet Tells It Like It Is

The Question

I have often heard about “topping from the bottom”.  Even been accused of it.  But we are told to be good communicators.  I think this creates a blurry, gray area.  Also, one of the things I have been told is a positive about me is that I am pretty vocally responsive (moans & such).  But that could be taken as suggestive…Especially in this area & even more so with the distance factor, communication becomes more important than ever.  So does this get confusing?

How do you let someone know that you are open to an idea?  Especially a sub to a Mistress.  But it only makes sense if it is her idea.  I guess how does a woman say “If you ask me to marry you I will say yes” but not ask herself?  I want to let her know that she is on the right track.  But I don’t want to take the reins.  There is a practical application to this.  And something that I don’t want to directly say.  I think it could taint things.  I think this is a big deal & I think it is a thing we all think about in everything.  But want to say “hey go down this path”.  I don’t want to lead.  But I really don’t think it would take leading.  More like a gentle nudge.

LDW’s toy

My Response

I feel you are taking a real life standard and applying it to a phone domination situation.  It just does not apply here.  For instance…if you were a submissive who lived with his Mistress and you two were in session together it would be completely out of line for you to give her instructions or suggestions in mid-play.  But…you would already know each other.  She would already know your boundaries, or limits if you prefer.  Unless an emergency situation arises, it is expected that you will take what your Mistress wishes to give, or what you two have negotiated for this particular scene.

Now About Phone Sessions

This is a different story.  Most callers just want to be controlled for a short time.  Some do want their session to be as close as possible to an in-person session with a Mistress.  If you have strong preferences, it is up to you to discuss those prior to your session.  This can be done by:

1.  Completing a Pre-Call Questionaire

2.  Exchanging emails or messages on Enchantrix Empire

3.  IM’g each other

4.  Discussing your wishes at the beginning of your session

Why It’s Different

First of all…you are paying for this session.  So you deserve to have it be what you wish.  If you have made your desires clear prior to the session and things are still not going the way you had hoped, it is critical that you DO speak up.  That can be done in any one of these methods:

~  Nicely stopping the session and reiterating your wishes

~  Speaking up by staying in your submissive role and guiding the role play/fantasy

~  Setting up a pre-arranged signal for you to exhibit (verbally, physically) if something is wrong.

About that third option…I am not talking about a safe-word.  Your safe-word should only be used if there is something wrong physically or you are about to incur lasting emotional scarring.  This other signal is great for someone who knows they are extremely submissive and suspect that they will not speak up when the session is going off-course.  The other reason to have a signal is if your Mistress does not pick up on your facial expressions and other non-verbal cues of displeasure.  This applies whether you are doing a tease & delay session, a CBT session, chastity, or a coerced bi role play.  And all points between!

A 50/50 Deal

Your Mistress has a responsibility to pay attention to your likes and dislikes.  And to ensure that they are reflected in the session she creates for you.  If, despite her best efforts, things go off course…it becomes your responsibility to let her know in a manner that works for you.  We don’t want you to suffer through a call that isn’t all it could be for you.  I can only speak for myself in saying that I would much rather hear it from you during the session so I can improve things for you, than have you tell me after the session when it’s too late.

No doubt, you know how serious Ms Ally is about the great call guarantee.  All of us want you to have the best, most mind blowing session possible.  So next time you feel that tad of guilt about speaking up to guide things in the direction that floats your boat…know that we appreciate you steering us!