The Question: What is a “doormat” and how do you know if you are one?
In books and forums I have seen people write about “true submission” as caring only about what your dominant wants, and putting your own desires aside. I have to admit, I find it appealing to think that my Mistress’s needs come before my own. Does this potentially make me a “doormat”?
In my defense, I certainly have opinions and desires, and would want to express those at appropriate times, but I would get great satisfaction knowing that, in most cases, her desires come first.
Avoid Being a Doormat
When someone refers to a person being a “doormat” they mean that the person is allowing people to treat them badly, with disrespect, and emotionally walk all over them.
Since you state that you do have opinions and desires and are willing and able to state them as needed, I do not believe you fit the description of a “doormat”.
Doormats in BDSM
It is important to remember that there are all sorts of BDSM relationships. As long as both parties agreed to the D/s negotiations for the relationship and both are satisfied with the arrangement, then no one is being a “doormat”.
It is a choice to be submissive, or to be a slave. It is a choice to give up your free will to your Mistress/Master. Most subs and slaves consider it an honor. If you asked someone outside of the lifestyle to give their opinion, they would likely judge it harshly, but that would be an opinion based on lack of knowledge of power exchange.
If you asked a group of dominants and submissive what “true submission” means, you would get a wide variety of answers. That is because it is subject to opinion.
A true submissive or slave does want to please their dominant, more than they want to please themselves. That is a major aspect of being submissive. If it gives you pleasure to put her first, it is not self abusive in the least.
Try not to worry too much about your desire to please. It only matters that you are happy and your Mistress is pleased with your service. If you find yourself in a position where your needs are not being met, you will know it and be smart enough to address it before things are irreparable.
That is the best way to ensure you avoid being a doormat.
Mistress, i was wondering what is acceptable action by a submissive in those areas that someone is not usually supposed to act submissive? Especially in a situation like when a lady is definitely your Domme but she also has a “Dom”. In fact, he is her husband. i get along with him great & he is great with me submitting to her. Rubbing lotion on her & such. But i do like those “romantic” aspects too. Like holding hands. But also figuring out those other things. Like having that person attend the company party with you. Etc.
Every relationship is different. When you have a third party involved in your relationship, things get more complicated. That means that situations call for more detailed communication. You did not say that she is a mean Mistress, so she is likely reasonable and willing to answer your concerns.
It’s great that you and your Domme’s husband get along well. That is a really good starting point. It should be acceptable for you to ask him how he feels about you demonstrating physical affection toward his wife in semi-public settings. If he is okay with it and your Domme is okay with it, then you can do it. If either, or both of them, objects then it would be best not to do it.
A Delicate Balance
The hardest thing about making a situation like yours work is making sure that everyone understands the rules, meaning the limits and boundaries. They need to be stated and discussed right from the start. When a boundary is infringed upon during the course of the relationship, it needs to be discussed again.
It is just like any other relationship, except there is a husband involved in this as well. I suggest having well defined boundaries for certain situations.
It would be very helpful for the three of you to come up with boundaries for:
Private setting play
Semi-Public setting play
Each setting has its own set of potential issues. Better to discuss these ahead of time, and even write them down. Then when you are faced with a situation like you currently have, you have something to refer to.
Respect is the Key
As long as you have respect for her, and for their relationship, she has respect for you and her relationship and her husband has respect for you and his marriage, then I believe you can work these situations out to everyone’s satisfaction.
It should not infringe on your enjoyment. And yet, your enjoyment should never affect their marriage negatively. I know you are well aware of that, and can keep that in mind.
Any others with similar situations? Remember, you are welcome to email me with your question at email@example.com. I will respond here as soon as possible.
My question for this topic is do you think one should start with the dominant woman and create a relationship or find a woman that one connects with and groom her to be dominant?
Great question, simeon. This is a subject that comes up frequently in sessions. You may be one of the many who is seeking a dominant partner and wonder how best to achieve that.
I will start by advising you to look amongst the dominant women. It makes no sense to go to church, and scope out women who might become dominant. You vastly improve your odds by starting with the women, or men, most likely to meet your needs.
Obviously, that means you start with a dominant woman. But that does not mean your search will be easy. Prepare yourself for a possibly long search. Here’s why.
Dating is a Numbers Game
All dating is. When you add your desire for the pleasures of Dominant and submissive into the mix, it means there are more factors that you are searching for compatibility with. Now your partner needs to be physically attractive to you, meet your intellectual needs, be liked by your friends, pass your mother’s approval, AND meet your kink needs.
It is not impossible to find a great dominant partner, but you will need to put yourself out there. Now you are wondering what I mean by that. I mean you need to get a profile on the major BDSM dating sites, and any specialty fetish dating sites that fit your needs. Reach out to a lot of dominants. Join a local BDSM group, or two, particularly FemDom clubs. Attend munches and go to events. Go to a lot of events so you meet as many of their members as possible. You can’t attend once and get a realistic view of all of their members.
But Why Can’t I Groom a Dominant?
Because it does not work. A dominant is born that way. They do not learn it. When a person is not dominant, they will not enjoy trying to be something they are not. It will not eventually be sexy for them. It will feel grotesquely wrong to you.
What you are seeking is that magical chemistry between your submissive self and your dominant partner. You can’t train it, teach it, force it, or make it happen. It either is or it isn’t. When you find a non-dominant partner and then try to groom them, it leads to disappointment for you, confusion for them, and you are soon back out there looking. So just start with the kinky pool.
Assistance With Seeking a Dominant Partner
I am happy to help you with your search for a dominant partner. I do not post profiles for you. What I do is advise you about websites, help you screen interested dominants based on the language they use and any red flags I see, help you word your profile, and answer any questions that come up for you as your search continues.
I have a lot of experience doing this and have helped clients find the dominant partner they longed for. You can be next!
Dear Miss Violet, I have noticed a kind of feeling I get if a woman mentions something or says something that feels emasculating to me. I noticed this first when I was in High School and heard a female mention penis size. She emphasized how important it was. It totally got my attention. As time went on I thought or assessed that I was not real “big” and each time I would overhear or be involved in some type of conversation like that or a female would talk about “size” and it’s importance I would kind of “freeze”. I could not believe my response was not noticed.
A couple of times a female playfully suggested I put on or try on panties. I had the same kind of “freeze” response. Like I could not object or say no. I want to be clear – it was not a “thought” but more of a visceral, physical kind of response to the females. All I can say is it is a kind of submissiveness that gets activated (strongly) any time women talk about size (especially if they are talking about how much they value it). It is a deep kind of feeling.
Do you know what that “feeling” is? Is it just embarrassment? Submissiveness? Is it a female somehow tapping into something I thought I was hiding or, at least, did not know she knew or sensed?
I would say that what you describe is being humiliated, yet excited. It causes a reaction that feels like your body and mind have frozen. It is not unusual for this sensation to become mixed up with your sexual desires.
At some point, you find yourself seeking situations that give you that same feeling. If you enjoy it, then have fun. If it bothers you, I suggest some sort of therapy. There is one form of therapy that can eliminate that desire for humiliation very quickly.
Everybody is Different
If you describe yourself as submissive, these early situations of humiliation likely helped to reinforce this aspect of your personality. To me, it sounds as if you now enjoy the sensations of being embarrassed about the small size of your cock; even if the woman you are talking with has no idea that you are the possessor of a small dick.
My personal belief is that anything two (or more) consenting adults do between themselves is fine. So I say don’t waste any time worrying about what the feeling is and simply enjoy it! Any size cock can have a satisfying sex life. Delivered properly, humiliation becomes erotic and that is a very exciting experience.
I am a straight male who enjoys some cross-dressing sissy play, but I do not think I fit the “textbook” definition of sissy, I do not want to be a girly girl who craves cock. I like it when a Mistress dresses me as a sissy and even coerces cock-sucking, where the erotic thrill of cock-sucking in that scenario is not the cock, but rather an opportunity to demonstrate my obedience and devotion to the Mistress who asks it, and maybe bring a smile to her face if watching a sissy suck cock is what she enjoys.
Recently I was contacted on facebook by another sissy desperate for role play. Since I do use a feminine name on facebook, it is not too uncommon for people to think I am a Mistress. I notify them, and usually they replywith something like “Well this is awkward” and that’s that.
This one didn’t, we ended up talking and now are going to attempt a role play. The scenario, which I came up with, is that a Mistress is organizing a bachelor party except instead of having anatomical females dancing for the rowdy drunk boys, she is going to have two sissies dancing for them, me and the other person.
Since guys like to see girl on girl action at bachelor parties, me and this other sissy have been instructed to become familiar and comfortable with each other so that when we are dancing for the boys, we can do girl on girl action for them and look comfortable doing so.
Part of me doesn’t want to do it because I am straight and this isn’t a scenario where I am following a Mistress’ command, but part of me is really excited to do it because it is an opportunity to explore how I would really respond if a Mistress did put me into this situation. This will be done via chat with no video, so it is safe.
I want to do this, but I am having trouble mentally preparing and I hope that maybe you might have some tips that can help. It is a role play and I see it as a way to prepare for the possible event of someday being able to do this for a Mistress and that is what makes it exciting, but there are still mental blocks I need to overcome. I want to have fun and I am hoping the other person has fun too.
I am glad you contacted me about this. A really fun opportunity has come to you for coerced sissy play and you want to take advantage of it. This is very exciting! I can understand the part of you that is feeling nervous. Being mentally prepared can make a big difference in the enjoyment you get from a new situation, like this one.
There are some things you can do in advance to prepare yourself for the role play.
Visualization: Take some time to close your eyes and visualize yourself in the scenario. See yourself cross dressed, feeling excited and nervous, and having a great time. If a situation arises that causes you to feel nervous, visualize yourself calmly handling it with ease. Doing this will allow you to feel more comfortable when the role play is happening, because you would have done this before in your mind.
Facing your fears: Write down three worst fears you have about this role play. Then write down a plan for how you will handle it, should it come up. Having a plan makes you better prepared.
Psyching Yourself Up: Just before you do this role play, tell yourself “This is going to be a lot of fun”, “I am going to love this role play”, “This is something I really want to do”. What you tell yourself becomes your reality.
The Big Event
When you are in the middle of this role play, remember that it is acceptable and healthy to be firm with your boundaries. If you said in advance that you are not comfortable with anal sex, and the other sissy tries to bring that into the scene, you can say “I am not comfortable with that. Let’s leave that out of this scene.” And then get back to the fun.
Knowing you can do this may even eliminate some of your worries.
Preparing mentally for sissy roleplay helps to ensure you have a great session. Please do let me know how your role play goes. I am sending you positive intentions for a very exciting, successful first sissy role play. You will find that I enjoy a little chat with sissies; hearing about their adventures. Have fun!
I have a weird fetish. How do I tell my wife about my Lift and Carry fetish?
When we first met we used to give each other piggybacks. After we married it stopped. I messed up by not telling her prior to our marriage. I asked for a piggyback last month and she replied “are you a kid?” I don’t know what made her stop.
I’ve had mistresses do this for me. They all enjoy doing it because of the challenge/exercise and say “You need to tell her. It’s not as weird as you’re making it out to be. If my man got turned on by this, I’d do it”. I feel bad doing this though. Even though we don’t touch each other sexually, its wrong that I see them to fulfill my fetish.
I’m not sure how to go about telling her. I tried to block out the fetish but I can’t. What is your advice?
Your fetish is not weird. It is a unique fetish, but compared to some out there, your fetish is pretty tame. So I agree with what your Pro Dommes have been saying in that your fetish is not as weird as you have thought. I have known couples, in my personal life, who enjoy giving each other piggybacks, or horsey rides on all fours, or even picking each other up and carrying them around. Nothing wrong with that, as long as everyone’s backs are nice and strong.
Taking a Step Back
It sounds like you have not actually told your wife that Lift and Carry is a fetish for you. That getting and giving piggybacks is a sexual turn on for you. Sharing your secrets can be scary. So when you asked her for a piggyback ride, out of the blue, it probably seemed random to her. I would like you to take a step back and see that conversation from her perspective. You knew it turns you on. She had no idea.
So it makes sense to take the next opportunity you have with her to have a serious conversation on this topic. You can say something like, “Remember when I asked you recently for a piggyback ride?” She will likely say something like, “Yes. What was that about?” She may laugh a little. Do not be deterred. She needs this important piece of the puzzle so this whole thing can make some sense to her. This is where you say, “I never told you this, and I should have, but piggyback rides are a sexual turn-on for me.” Your wife will probably be surprised and have some questions for you. Answer them honestly and do not allow yourself to get emotional. It’s okay if she, you, or both of you laugh a little. It is an unusual fetish, but again…it is a harmless one.
A Whole New Game
Ask her to have some fun with you. Give your wife a piggyback ride and tell her, specifically, what it is about doing it that turns you on. Then, ask her if she would mind giving you one. Again, tell her what it is about that experience that is so sexual for you. If you cannot verbalize it now, give that some thought before you bring this up with her. Hearing your explanation will help her gain some understanding about your fetish. With understanding comes more acceptance.
There are many people who crave human touch more than anything else. Perhaps this lift and carry fetish began for you in gaining some lengthy human touch. It can be difficult to pinpoint the source of a fetish, and I feel it is usually a waste of time worrying about it. You have this fetish. It is a part of you. It has not, and will not just go away. So let’s put your energy into finding a way to incorporate it into your marriage.
If that proves to be impossible, have a serious talk with your wife about other ways you can get that need met, that are acceptable to her. Your primary relationship is the core of your life and it deserves respect. Many times, when a women understands that a fetish is so strong that you will need to find relief outside of the relationship if she is not willing to participate in some way, she finds a way to make it work between the two of you. I am not advocating using this as leverage to get what you want. But know that this could happen if other attempts fail. This is one of the reasons I am such a fan of being open and honest from the start.
It is likely that other readers of this blog have unique fetishes that they have discussed with their wives or girlfriends. I would like to hear from you. What is your fetish? What did you say to your partner and how did that go for you? If you have been able to include your fetish in your primary relationship, how did you do it?
Choosing the right Mistress gives you an outlet to explore your fetish via discussion, fantasy or roleplay. This is important so you do not neglect your fetish entirely.
If you have a kinky question you would like me to answer, or unusual phone sex fantasies you have questions about, email your question to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org. I will answer your question here in this blog.
Do you think that a man can control his fetishes for a long time; or maybe that he can change them?
Hello Sonar. Thank you for writing to me with your question about controlling your fetish. This is a topic that comes up during my calls at least once a week. Since you ask a two-part question, I must give you my answer in two parts as well. I will begin with addressing your first question, as flip flopping around will only cause more confusion than already exists. *smile*
Controlling a Fetish
I know that if you have a fetish you desire to control, and you are willing to put effort into it, you can control it. What I mean by controlling a fetish is giving regular attention to that fetish. If you love sexy women’s shoes and you need to stroke into such a shoe to fulfill that need, then you need to find a way to do just that. I suggest starting by introducing your fetish to your significant other.
If your significant other is open to some erotic shoe play, that is the most fulfilling way to go about keeping your fetish side happy. If she does not want to participate with you, but is fine with you stroking into one of her pretty shoes, then you borrow the shoe and have fun when the desire arises. Even if she is not willing to loan you a pretty shoe, your fetish still must be taken care of. So perhaps you purchase a pair of sexy shoes exclusively for the purpose of stroking into. If you cannot have physical evidence on hand, then you call a phone sex service and do a sexy shoe worship role play.
A Fetish Does Not Go Away
Please understand that when you have a fetish, it is a deep seated part of your psyche. It will not just go away. No matter how you try to ignore it, or push it to the far recesses of your mind. It will rear it’s head again and again. And if you do not find a satisfying way to indulge that fetish, it will get more powerful and could endanger other aspects of your life. Rather like a pet crocodile left to fend for itself. Bad juju.
This is why purging your fetish toys fails. What I mean is getting rid of your strap-on, your cross-dressing wardrobe, and other paraphernalia you use when you indulge in your fetish. If the thought crosses your mind to get rid of it, lock it up in a box and hide it or put it in a storage unit. You will want and need it again, so why waste all of that money?
Changing a Fetish
You now know that a fetish does not go away, but for many people your fetish can be trained to be satisfied in a different way. For instance, someone who is curious about anal sex and was having anonymous sex with strangers can be trained to get pleasure from anal play with dildos and butt plugs. If you are aroused by humiliation, finding out the source of that need can result in discovering a different way to fill the core need. This is true for many fetishes. But you must want to change and be deeply committed to it.
Just popping a Tootsie Pop in your mouth every time you crave a cock is not going to work. You need to find out why you crave that cock first. If the root issue is the desire for something taboo, there are other taboo acts that can take the place of sucking a cock. However, if the root issue is that you are bi-sexual or homosexual, you will always crave that cock. There is no point trying to find something to replace your basic sexual instinct.
Helping You With Your Fetish
As I have said many times before in my various blogs, every caller is an individual with unique issues. If you have a fetish you need help with, give me a call. My background in mental health and my extensive experience in the fetish world gives me the expertise to assist you with finding a way to satisfy your fetish. If you want to change your fetish, I can likely assist you with that too.
Have you ever tried to stop your fetish? How did you do that? When did you realize that controlling your fetish was not going to work?
Have you been able to replace your fetish with another activity?
Do you feel it is possible to be involved in a BDSM relationship that is both sexual and spiritual? To me, sex feels very spiritual.
Thank you for writing. Merging sex and spirituality is a topic I am passionate about. For me, sex is part of my spirituality. I firmly believe that sex enhances spirituality and vice versa. After years of the majority saying that in no way can spirituality be part of a BDSM relationship, there are some wonderful books available by lifestyle Dommes and subs that go into depth on why having spirituality involved in a BDSM relationship makes it even more deep and meaningful.
Having been involved in BDSM communities for years, I can tell you that the majority of players still fight the thought of including spirituality in the relationship. But the numbers who do are growing. So if you visit a BDSM club, whether private or public, and ask around for a Mistress who is spiritual, you may get a lot of blank looks. But they are out there. I will tell you that if you long for that connection, it is worth the extra effort to find a Mistress or Master who also wants that.
What is the Difference
I know many couples involved in the scene. Most of them say there is no aspect of spirituality in their relationship or even the sex. Of those couples, one or both partners express private displeasure with the relationship. So though they have never had that element of spirituality in a lifestyle relationship, they feel something is lacking.
Among the lifestyle couples I know who went into the relationship with the idea that it would be a joining of two people on every level, including spiritually, there is a much higher rate of satisfaction. This is because when a couple is united spiritually, the sex becomes a literal co-mingling of each person’s energies and allows transcendent events to occur. Couples have reported reaching heights of ecstasy where they would swear they were floating in space. Seeing one another, but nothing else. Often, through the process of pain, a state of altered reality is reached.
This is an experience that I, and some of my lifestyle friends, have been experimenting with and having great results. As a couple explores merging their energies and becoming one on more than a physical level, their relationship becomes deeper, more satisfying…and…each time they work toward this goal, they reach higher levels of what can only be called nirvana.
Finding That Special Connection
If the circumstances of your life dictate a phone relationship, then LDW makes it very easy for you to find the right Mistress for you. You can read our blogs, listen to our free audios on www.Teasemania.com and www.GetGirlie.com. You can listen to the podcast sexy Mistress interviews done by our own Ms Tia and some of us even have our own show on TalkShoe.
This means that before you ever insist a dime in a session with one of us, you can learn who we are, what we like, our philosophy on domination, and form a decision about whether we are the right Mistress for you. And if you still have questions, you can email or IM us. So I strongly suggest you begin your research, if you have not already done it. Talk advantage of the many fabulous routes we offer to assist you in making a great Mistress connection
Real Life Mistress
Looking for a lifestyle Mistress to help you with merging sex and spirituality? I can help you with that. There are fine websites dedicated to assisting lifestyle Mistresses and subs in finding a connection. There are do’s and don’ts, things to look for and to avoid. Have questions about this or any part of this posting, ask me here. I adore educating you on the kinky side of sex. *wink*
Hello Mistress. I have a little question. How risky is it to tell my girlfriend about my fetish? I love my girlfriend and I would like to stay with her, but I think that she doesn’t like such fetishes (CBT and foot fetish). I don’t want to ruin my relationship. I will never enjoy an orgasm with another girl.
Thank you for writing to me “S”. I know that it telling your secret to your significant other is frightening. There are a few questions to answer before even getting to that question. So I would like to begin there. Hopefully, by answering these questions for yourself, you will know the right course to take for you.
You may have noticed I emphasized “for you”. This is important because this is not a one size fits all subject. Far from it. Your circumstances are unique and so your solution must fit your needs.
Do you have trust in your relationship?
I would think long and hard about why you are having such a difficult time being open and honest with your girlfriend. It is best to be open about your sexual preferences early in a relationship. This gives your partner the right to say, “I can live with that. Sounds like fun.” or to say “I can’t do that. It’s been fun, but it’s over.” Everyone has the right to know the truth and make their own decision based on the truth.
Should your girlfriend find out about your fetish by stumbling upon your favorite fetish website on your computer, or your fetish toys, she will likely feel shocked and betrayed. At that time, it will be very difficult to get her to listen calmly and reason through the situation.
Has she ever shown herself to be kinky or to even remotely share your fetish?
If you suspect she is kinky or shares your fetish and you want to tell your secret to give her a safe opening to reveal her own, you have little reason to be fearful. In this scenario, you have a good chance of ending up with more kink in your sex life and openly introducing her to your fetish.
Just keep in mind that if she is kinky, she probably has a fetish of her own. Be as open to her fetish, as you want her to be to yours. Be prepared to mix her fetish into your sexual activities, along with your own. It is not fair to have the “My kink is good, and your kink is weird” mentality.
If she never shows any indication of being kinky or sharing your fetish, would you be happy in a long term relationship with her?
You may be underestimating the importance of your sexual satisfaction. It is every bit as important as general compatibility. If you cannot contemplate a future of having to hide your true desires, and getting them met in secret, please think long and hard about the sustainability of this relationship.
You say you will “never enjoy an orgasm with another girl”. That is a very broad statement. Something people believe when they are in their first relationship. In the moment that you wrote your letter to me, I believe that you felt that way. But should this relationship end, given enough time to heal, you could conceivably enjoy an orgasm with another girl. I know that is difficult for you to believe now, but it is true. So please do not limit your future on this premise.
Have you told your wife or girlfriend about your fetish? If so, how did she take it? Did telling your secret improve your sex life with her? Please leave a comment about your experience.
If you told her and experienced a negative reaction, please tell us about that here. You will be helping fellow kinksters, and satisfying my endless curiosity.
At what point does “edging” and “riding the edge” and even a “hard ridge of the edge” step over the line and become “gooning”? Could you please address the topic of “gooning”? I have been known to edge for prolonged periods of time and wonder–or perhaps aspire to be–a true blue goon.
I am really glad that SDM wrote in, asking about this topic. It is one that does not come up often. I expect that you may be wondering what in the world “gooning” is. So let’s start there, and then I will discuss the differences between edging, riding the edge, and gooning. Most importantly, you will learn about achieving gooning.
Definition of Gooning
This is the state achieved after a prolonged session of edging. It can be described as a meditative state where a man’s mind merges with his cock. In this state, the male can become freed of all codes of social conduct. Only his arousal dictates his reactions. As a result, a gooned out man can become very expressive and demonstrative. He may become very vocal, while his body and face might take on undignified expressions and poses. Hence the term “goon”.
Edging is simply getting to the edge of an orgasm, then backing off the edge. Riding the edge is staying on that edge of release. Not allowing yourself to go over and not backing off the edge either. Both of these are actions.
So I would describe “gooning” as the state of mind a man can enter after extreme edging, or extreme masturbation. What I mean by that is edging many times in a row, or masturbating over and over again. This is, again, a state of mind.
How to Get There
You can reach the gooning state on your own, but it will likely take a good deal of stroking and/or edging to reach it. Be prepared by having a few hours of private time, a lot of lube, lots of water to stay hydrated, and keep at it.
Your other option is to call me, or the Mistress of your choice, and request a gooning session. You will need to allot at LEAST an hour. Leave the call open as you would be most unhappy to have your call cut off just as you began to enter the gooning state. These things cannot be rushed.
Curious to Know
Have you ever experienced the gooning meditative state? What was achieving gooning like for you? How did you achieve it?
Remember…I am here to answer all of your kink questions. Just email me with your own question. I will respond here in this blog. email@example.com